It is yet another dysfunctional day on the Westside, where the birds seem to never out churp the hum of the Mercedes zooming up the mountain road.
As the moon emerges and after I manage to drag my economy sized car up the mountain road, I find myself standing in your typical, 8000 square foot house equip with flat screen TV’s, designer furniture, undocumented maids, and enough organic food to adequately feed one Ethiopian.
As I walk into the kitchen, it takes no time for me to realize, the mom has no idea where her kids are. She also exerts minimal effort to see if they are still in the house or even alive. Her only comment to me is “I haven’t seen them in hours. Maybe they are downstairs somewhere. Why don’t you go and look?” So tonight I’m not only a tutor but also a detective.
I go downstairs and after recovering from the pungent smell of dog pee, I walk into quite the peculiar situation. In the study, in between the Mac computer and a sweaty school uniform, this boy is beating his younger brother with a cross. Yes, a cross, like the cross of Jesus, which used to be hanging on the wall but had been pulled off in a fit of rage.
After I tell the child to stop beating his brother, I have to wonder a few things. Of all the objects in the room, why did the boy decide it was best to beat his little brother with a cross? Was there nothing else he could have used to beat his younger brother with? I see a few belts on the ground. I see lots of cords. I see lots of books. Why not use those objects instead of a cross if you are going to resort to that sort of rough justice?
Here’s a word of advice for all parent of kids on the Westside. When kids come home from school, you unfortunately have to watch them. You cannot let them run wild in your 8000 square foot houses. If you do, you know what happens? They do stupid shit like beat their brother with a religious artifact. Talk to them regularly. Explain to them right from wrong. Eventually they will learn to not use a cross to beat their brother, when there’s a small chair nearby.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wanted: A Fool to be a Tutor
Wanted:
Apply to be a tutor on the Westside of Los Angeles! It’s really a very glamorous job!
We won’t provide health insurance.
We won’t pay travel time or gas.
And when you get sick, we won’t pay you sick time or send you a card.
But what we will do is provide you with plenty of dysfunctional wealthy Los Angeles families with a plethora of issues, very little patience, and children who haven’t heard of terms such as patience, accountability, work ethic or integrity.
And for every client we find for you, we will take 50% to 60% of your hourly salary for “administrative costs”. But don’t worry, there’s an upside! Since our clientele is located on the Westside, all of our clients will be diagnosed with ADD. But don’t you worry they will be on medication that will wear off exactly 15 minutes before you arrive!
When your clients become unbearable and you need us to mediate the situation, we will play both sides of the field! Hooray! We will trash the client to your face, and meanwhile suck up to the client behind your back. You’ll never find out, we promise!
And the best part about the position, you’ll never need to take a bath because every house you tutor at has a dog that will jump on you, piss on you, and breathe on you with their hot nasty breath. And when they are done, they will lick you clean with their slimy tongues!
And you will diversify your vocabulary by learning words like “bitch”, “cunt”, “whore” and “slut” because these are only but a few of the words you’ll hear some of the kids call their mothers, nannies and maybe even you!
If you are smarter than the average American yet have the abuse tolerance of a Hollywood hooker, then come on in, apply for the job. We promise you will love it!
Apply to be a tutor on the Westside of Los Angeles! It’s really a very glamorous job!
We won’t provide health insurance.
We won’t pay travel time or gas.
And when you get sick, we won’t pay you sick time or send you a card.
But what we will do is provide you with plenty of dysfunctional wealthy Los Angeles families with a plethora of issues, very little patience, and children who haven’t heard of terms such as patience, accountability, work ethic or integrity.
And for every client we find for you, we will take 50% to 60% of your hourly salary for “administrative costs”. But don’t worry, there’s an upside! Since our clientele is located on the Westside, all of our clients will be diagnosed with ADD. But don’t you worry they will be on medication that will wear off exactly 15 minutes before you arrive!
When your clients become unbearable and you need us to mediate the situation, we will play both sides of the field! Hooray! We will trash the client to your face, and meanwhile suck up to the client behind your back. You’ll never find out, we promise!
And the best part about the position, you’ll never need to take a bath because every house you tutor at has a dog that will jump on you, piss on you, and breathe on you with their hot nasty breath. And when they are done, they will lick you clean with their slimy tongues!
And you will diversify your vocabulary by learning words like “bitch”, “cunt”, “whore” and “slut” because these are only but a few of the words you’ll hear some of the kids call their mothers, nannies and maybe even you!
If you are smarter than the average American yet have the abuse tolerance of a Hollywood hooker, then come on in, apply for the job. We promise you will love it!
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